Haven't posted here for 23 days. But today I feel the need.

And it's not about Mom, or grief; but me and my odd life. I stopped drinking alcohol in the summer of 1997. We had a long relationship, but didn't get along well at all. So I stopped. That was it. A few days were tough in the beginning, mainly because of the habits involved, the times, the places, when I would have had something to drink. But I got past those and each day has been alcohol-free, since. I've told myself, on the days when I have a tiny twinge, that I'll have drink the day I die. I can wait.

But I wasn't working in 1997. I lost my job that January, and my life changed completely. I thought that I wanted to climb into a bottle because of the other things that were going on, relationships, shyness, all that, plus my BP-brushed genes.
Suddenly, in the past week, I've realized how very very much I want to again. I won't. But I want to. And the only thing that's different is that I'm working again. I HATE going out to work. I like to work, but I don't like having to go somewhere to do it. It's the commitment to being somewhere, to doing something, the trapped feeling of containerized living, even for $$$$, that makes me want to get fuzzy and forget.

Took me 11 years and this temporary job, to realize that. Each Friday night, I've wanted more and more, to do what I used to do. Each day when I get home, I want to drink again. Carp.

Anyway, it's an important lesson to learn; something I needed to know.

This site will eventually turn into something else (I've got some fun plans....). And I'll answer the sweet comments that people have left the past few months.

When? As soon as this job is over (about a month) and I get my odd-but-good little life back.

EDITED TO ADD: I should have put this part in, because it's very important! I DON'T want to drink, more than I want to. WAAAAAAAY more. I never ever ever want to feel that horrible way again. EVER. It's just that I haven't missed it at all, until lately. It's tapping me on the shoulder and whispering in my ear, but I truly and completely don't want anything to do with it. And now I know why it's back, I know that I have no use for it. I'm not concerned. Just vigilant.